Understanding Emotional Avoidance
Throughout much of my life, I found myself in relationships that were meaningful, filled with love and potential. Yet, I consistently walked away, often without fully understanding why. These relationships had everything—promise, connection, and a shared future—but something within me always seemed to push them away. At the time, I didn’t have the language to explain what was happening inside me, but deep down, I knew I was avoiding something. It wasn’t until I discovered Brainspotting that I started to uncover the root causes of this destructive pattern.
The Emotional and Psychological Shift
The emotional intensity in relationships felt overwhelming. When emotions would rise, I felt like I was drowning—unable to breathe or think clearly. Instinctively, I pushed myself to withdraw, to escape before things got too deep or too painful. It wasn’t a conscious choice; it was a knee-jerk reaction to the anxiety and fear that overwhelmed me in intimate settings. My emotions would overload, and I’d shut down, unable to cope with the vulnerability and closeness relationships demanded. I was pushing away the very connection I craved.
The Mercedes Benz as a Safe Haven
In a way, my reactions in relationships mirrored my experience during homelessness. Just as I emotionally shut down while living in my car, I would disconnect in relationships when the intensity became too much. I’d mentally check out, avoid confrontation, and leave before the situation could escalate. Hypoarousal became my emotional defense mechanism. It felt safer to avoid letting someone in than to face the raw emotions and potential pain that intimacy might bring. The walls I built to protect myself only kept me from experiencing the deeper connection I desperately needed.
The Paradox of Public Perception
It wasn’t until I started using Brainspotting that I began reconnecting with my emotions. Brainspotting gave me a tool to stay present with my feelings, to sit with discomfort instead of fleeing from it. As I worked through past traumas, I realized the reason I walked away from relationships wasn’t just fear—it was an unconscious pattern of emotional avoidance I’d developed over time. This pattern became my default coping mechanism, and Brainspotting allowed me to process these emotions and start dismantling the walls I had built around myself.
I had been avoiding emotional intimacy, thinking it would protect me from getting hurt. What I discovered through Brainspotting was that, by avoiding, I was only deepening my emotional wounds. The fear-based behavior that led me to leave relationships stemmed from my inability to stay present with emotions when they became too intense. But as I worked through these challenges, I began to understand my emotional triggers, and that made all the difference.
Daily Life and Emotional Growth
As I worked through my emotional triggers with Brainspotting, I began to feel emotional growth—a desire to engage and be present in relationships, even when it felt uncomfortable. My Find Your Spot©— expanded, allowing me to sit with my fears without being overwhelmed. I no longer felt the need to escape. Instead, I could stay present and engaged, even when the emotions were intense.
This emotional growth allowed me to understand my role in past relationships more clearly. I stopped blaming others for my emotional distance and began to realize that my avoidance wasn’t a reflection of the other person—it was a defense mechanism I had developed. I started learning how to stay emotionally available without fearing the vulnerability that came with intimacy.
The Mental Strain of Living in the Benz
As I worked through these issues in relationships, there were times when my old habits of avoidance crept back in. There were moments when I wanted to shut down and walk away, rather than face the discomfort of vulnerability. But the difference now was that I had the tools to address those triggers. Brainspotting gave me the ability to stay grounded in the present moment, and over time, I began to see how much I had grown.
A Turning Point in My Relationships
The pivotal turning point came when I realized that emotional healing wasn’t just about managing emotions—it was about trust. Trusting myself, trusting others, and staying present despite the fear that would always arise. Brainspotting gave me the ability to connect deeply with others, without the constant need to protect myself from the pain of intimacy. I began to see relationships not as a battlefield of emotional triggers, but as an opportunity for growth and meaningful connection.
Reflection and Growth: Understanding Myself
Reflecting on the patterns that once governed my relationships, I now see that leaving them wasn’t just a conscious decision—it was a fear-driven impulse. What I’ve learned through Brainspotting is that emotional healing and growth are ongoing processes. I’m learning to stay present, attuned to my emotions, and face the discomfort that intimacy brings without running away.
This emotional awareness has deepened my understanding of myself and how I engage in healthier, more authentic relationships. I now see emotional presence as a strength, not a vulnerability.
Final Reflection for the Reader: Healing is Possible
If you find yourself struggling with emotional avoidance or intimacy, I want you to know that you are not alone. It’s okay to feel afraid of intimacy and overwhelmed by emotions. Healing is possible. By staying present with our feelings and confronting the fears that drive us away, we can transform our relationships—not just with others, but with ourselves. Resilience is not about avoiding vulnerability; it’s about embracing it, learning from it, and using it as a tool for deeper connection.
Find Your Spot!—the place where you can be fully present, fully seen, and fully engaged in the relationships that matter most.
Call to Action:
If this post resonates with you or if you’ve experienced emotional avoidance in your relationships, I encourage you to reach out. Share your thoughts in the comments below or connect with me to learn more about how Brainspotting can help you find your own Resilience Spot. Healing is possible, and it begins with facing the emotions that matter most.
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